Are you familiar with the meme, Sudden Clarity Clarence? I’ll admit, it has answered many questions that even Urban Dictionary couldn’t. It’s one of my favorite Internet memes, and the other day, I had an epiphany, of sorts, and dubbed myself Sudden Clarity Caty.
I was reading (and tweading) Dresden, when I came across this sentence:
At first, I just thought it was a cool thing to think about, but I began to relate it to my life more the longer it resonated with me.
I’ve never had a truly clear vision, despite my super-planner mindset, of what I wanted to do when I got older. As a child, my play adventures were so drastically different; one week, I wanted to be an archaeologist (that lasted the longest), the next a librarian, then a mommy, then a teacher, and so on. I was not one of those children who knew what I wanted to do as soon as I could walk.
As I grew older, that didn’t really change.
My junior year of high school, I took a Creative Writing class and through constant practice, I got to be a pretty good writer – at least in my own mind. Senior year was looming, and everyone else, including then-only-boyfriend Justin, was planning for college. I didn’t even want to go to college at that point, but under the pretense of just thinking about it, I figured I would major in something having to do with writing. I asked my mom and consulted a book to find journalism. I don’t think I even knew that creative writing was a major at that point, but I suddenly had my heart set on journalism. The following year, I got accepted to SMC, where I got all my crap classes out of the way, and then transferred to Winthrop, where Justin was, to actually pursue the journalism degree.
While at Winthrop, where we actually had to write articles and learn stuff about journalism, the idea of writing for a newspaper or some other publication was engrained in me. I didn’t think about anything else I could do with this degree, nor did I consider the idea to change my major. I wanted to finish school, just finish. I didn’t want to finish with good grades or with honors, I just wanted to finish. Changing my major or adding on a worthy minor didn’t seem worth the extra time to me. Writing for a newspaper was what I was going to do.
After school, and up until now, I haven’t had a job that really reflected my degree. I’ve had only part-time jobs, one of which was near-hard labor in a warehouse. Even though I knew I didn’t really want any of those jobs for the long haul, I didn’t know what I wanted, either. And I guess I still don’t.
My point is, Dresden is right. Just because I have some experience in newspaper writing doesn’t mean I am stuck with that option. I’m not limited. I have felt limited for a long time. I’ve felt like this is the only path I am able to take, and that I have to deal with it. I’ve invested so much time and work into being a journalism major. But I’m not stuck.
I don’t know that I can do anything I want, but I’m not stuck.
Perhaps the next step is to figure out what I want to do. I feel like a child again – I have so many ideas for things I’d be good at. Is that a good thing?
I’d love for this new-found energy to flourish into something, but time will tell. I like being employed because I like having my own money, but being in a dead-end job, particularly a part-time one, takes its toll after a while.
Sorry if this seems kind of whiney, I just wanted to remind myself that I have options. I just don’t know what they are yet.